


Do I really not know? (Cause I'm pretty damn sure I do)

by Karlethandra_Merthensa



Category: jacksepticeye - Fandom, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: Blood, Depression, Gen, Happy Ending, Horrific livestreams, Hurt Mark, Insanely worried Jack, Multiple phone calls, Multiple texts, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-09-08 04:51:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8831101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karlethandra_Merthensa/pseuds/Karlethandra_Merthensa
Summary: When you're a Youtuber, you get berated for everything you say.  You do your best to be yourself, you do your best to make your viewers happy, but there are always those who just don't understand.   There are always those who no matter what you do, don't listen to your words and berate you.  You say you're fine, and that you can get passed the words, the hate, the PAIN....But...Can you?WARNING: This fanfiction involves graphic depictions of self harm, blood, and suicide attempt.  If you are sensitive to these things, read at your own risk





	1. It's Only Me

I stared at the flesh that my fingers skimming across.  Red smeared as they slid over the wound.  The little cut that didn’t seem like much other than a little ravine in my arm.  I kept watching the red.  I watched as it slid down my tan skin, I watched as it pooled underneath, I watched as it dripped.  I listen to the dull sound of the red liquid hitting the tile beneath my feet.

I kept watching.

I couldn’t make myself stop.  I couldn’t make myself move.  I dragged my eyes to my other hand, and picked up my phone.  A bloodied thumb slowly scrolled over the screen, red smearing the glass cover.  I looked over comment after comment.  

“ _ Do you really think you’re anything special?  You’re an idiot with a camera.  Fucking die.” _

“ _ You act like depression is so easy.  It’s one of the hardest things that will ever happen to someone, it can’t just get better with a few words!  Step in their shoes for a day, then you can talk.” _

“ _ I’ve been suffering with more than you will ever know for years, and you have the fucking balls to act like you know what I’m going through?  So your dad died, you’re happy, no?  You’ve got a nice house, a nice life, and you don’t know shit about depression, or anything like it.  Do us all a favor and just go away.” _

I bit my lip, standing from my spot on the floor.  I stepped up to my computer, my arm still slowly bleeding.  My head was getting fuzzier. I took a deep breath, and started up a live stream, waited a moment, and just started talking.


	2. You're Not Alone

**_Jack’s POV_ **

 

I jumped slightly as my phone went off.  I cursed, in the middle of a recording, and looked over at it.  It was a message from Wade. “Wade, seriously, dude, I’m busy-” I froze as I read what little of the text my phone showed 

_ “Mark’s live streaming.  Stop everything and go watch, something’s wrong!” _

Without even stopping my recording, I pulled up Marks page, and clicked on the video.  

_ “-know why I’m doing this right now, hell just moments ago I was sitting on the floor.” _

I frowned.  What is he doing?  He’s just sitting there, not even really moving.

_ “I just wanted-” He swallowed hard. “I just wanted to tell everything t-the truth.  I really do read your comments, guys.  I really, really do.  I may not reply to ever comment, but I read every comment, and I, uh,” He swallowed hard, “I-I-I just wanted to tell to those of you who say I have no right to preach that ‘everything will get better’ when I talk about Depression, because I don’t know anything about Depression, I have to tell you you are dead wrong.” he chuckled at that. “You are oh, so, dead wrong.  I know it like the back of my hand.  I have been fighting it since my father died.  For a while, I was fine.  For a while, I had gotten so much better, and I was happy again, and I truly thought I was better.  And then, it came back.  Yeah, Depression always comes back and you have to fight through it, but guys, I don’t have the ability to go to support groups, or constantly talk to my friends.” _

_ He raked a hand through his hair, taking a shaking breath.  Locks of brown hair were now coated with red. “I don’t- I can’t talk to anyone constantly.  We’re all adults, we’re all super busy people, but the people in your life aren’t!  I’m not saying my friends are too busy to help me a little, but they’re just…  Busy.  Please, please don’t take this as incentive to just ignore calling for help, because I’ve called for help a lot!  And I always get it, but no one ever knew…  Why.  No one ever found out why I would randomly call and just ramble to them in the middle of the night.  No one would ever know why I would sometimes just send pictures of me smiling to them.  I-It’s hard for me to smile, even though I do it in ever video.  It’s why I make these videos, so I can smile.  It feels like the only time I ever can.  But, they’re not helping as much anymore, and I’m afraid-”  He took a deep breath again.   He shakily held up an arm, coated with blood and cuts “I’m afraid I can’t get the help I need in time.” _

My hand surged for my phone and I hit speed dial.  He was always my number one on my phone.  

_ One ring _

_ Two Ring _

_ Three Ring _

I watched as he picked up the phone on camera.

“ **Hey Jack…”**

“Mark, mark,  _ please _ call an ambulance.   _ Please! _

“ **I’m surprised you saw my livestream…  Or, are you-are you watching it?”**

“Mark, please, shut down the live stream, stay on the phone with me, bandage your arm.  _ Please don’t do this _ .”

**“Why not?  Why does it matter?”**

“It matters because people  _ care _ about you, Mark!  Matt, Bryan, Wade, Bob, Felix, Marzia, your mom, your brother, your step mom, Tyler, your sister, me!  We all care about you, please don’t leave us!”

**“Why are you keeping me here?  All I feel here is pain, Sean, you know this.”**

“Because I hear the way you laugh, I see the way you smile when you’re making your videos!  I’ll move out to LA if I have to and live with you.  Give you another person in the house!”

**“What help would that be?”**

“You wouldn’t be alone.” 

The line was silent, and I watched the video on my screen with wide eyes.  Mark was sitting there, phone to his ear as he stared at his arm.  Finally, he dropped the phone from his hand, and slammed his fist on the keyboard.  

The livestream ended.

But the line wasn’t dead.  “Mark?” I called “Mark!” I pulled the phone from my ear and stared at the screen, before putting it back and yelling louder “Mark!  Please, Mark, answer me!”

Still silence.  “Mark, please!”

Not a sound.

I felt tears slipping down my face, but I kept calling.  My voice broke, the tears were hot against my cheeks.  My voice was getting raw from yelling into my phone.  With my other hand, I logged onto my Airlines website and booked the first ticket I could to LA.  I couldn’t even leave to get there for two hours.  After that it would still take me another hour until I could board, and then the time to get there.

I slammed my fist on my desk, and sobbed into the phone “Mark, please, please answer me…  You’re my best friend, you’re the only one I can really count on, I know all of this sounds so selfish to say, but I can’t lose you!  Please!”

The line went dead.


	3. Panic and Police Officers

In a panic, I tore my phone from my ear and redialed, but all I got was voicemail.  His phone either died or he turned it off.  I prayed it was the first one.  I kept calling, leaving voice mail after voice mail.  At one point I had to plug in my phone and sit next to it on the floor so I could keep trying.  

A knock at my door tore me from my task.  Phone still against my ear, I answered the door only to be met with Guards.  “Sir, can you please explain why your neighbors are reporting- My God, what’s happened to you McLoughlin?”

I shook my head, and cussed loudly when it went to voicemail again, I redialed and tried again, and replied shortly “My friend’s trying to kill himself, I’m trying to stop him, he’s not answering, can’t talk.”

“What’s his name?”

“Mark Fischbach.”

“Where does he live?”

“America.  California, I don’t know the address, or else I would have called an ambulance for him already.

The officer nodded sharply, and came inside whilst pulling out his own cellphone.  “McCurry here, I need someone out there to call the American police system in California.  A friend of this mans is trying to kill himself, we need to give the Police system over there his name so they can find him and get him. His name is Mark Fischbach.”  he waited a moment “Of course.” He put away his phone whilst I was still trying mine, tears still flowing down my cheeks.

I answered his next question before he said it, “I have my plane ticket booked, I need to grab a change of clothes.  I have to leave in thirty minutes.”

He nodded, and hurried upstairs with me to help me pack, then showed me to his car so he could drive me to the Airport without interruption.  Once there, he got me through security with basically no resistance, and left me with these words. “I don’t know what kind of a friend he is to you, but you would be one of the greatest friends to ever have.  Make sure your friend is alright.  Good luck, my friend.”

I nodded, face still red and tears still fresh, as I dialed once again.

 

I sat quietly in the Airport waiting room, phone still pressed against my ear.  I sat there, before it went straight to voice mail once again, and I pulled it from my ear, worrying my bottom lip with my teeth.  I went to hit redial, but a hand landed on my own.  I looked up to see a sixteen year old girl with long brown hair and brown eyes, tanned skin.  She looked into my eyes as though she could read my very soul, before she leaned over, and hugged me tightly, "Mark will be okay."   


I felt my blood run cold and I stiffened as she pulled away, my eyes wide. She chuckled at that and spoke her next words softly, "Mark will be okay because he has you, Sean.  Here you are, just an hour and a half after the live stream, phone glued to your ear and you just  _keep calling_." She bent down to her knees, and I stared at her with my wide blue eyes, meeting her chocolate brown.  


"I-I'm guessing your a fan?" I asked, stupidly.

She let out a little laugh, and nodded, "Indeed I am.  I'm Sam." She held out her hand for me to shake.  


"Sean." I replied, shaking her hand.  She stood again, and smiled widely.  


I couldn't stop my reply smile, "Wanna take a picture?"  


She looked at me for a moment, and then replied, "Only if you want to, you're cheeks are still tear stained."

I chuckled softly at that, pulling up my camera, "No use in hiding them.  Come on." I patted the spot next to me and she sat down, leaning over to give a large, warm smile that I did my best to replicate, but I could only give a small little wiry smile.  I took to picture, and let my arm fall into my lap as I stared at it.  She smiled, gave me another hug, kissed my forehead like a mother, and went back to her own after her parting words, "Mark is the luckiest man alive to have you as his best friend."

I stood as my gate was called to load, and watched as she sat a few isles down from me.  I called out her name, asking her Instagram, and with a surprised look she replied.  I looked it up quickly, following her, and then taking another picture of her as she's smiling at her seemingly boyfriend's silly face.  I posted the photo of us, tagging her in it with the caption " _You never know who will get you to smile when you don't think you will for a while."_ before I made the other my lockscreen - with her permission of course! - so I could remember to tell Mark about the girl who kept me from going crazy.


	4. You're Okay

As soon as I touched down, there was a Police officer holding a sign with my name on it.  I felt my heart clench, and hurried over to him.  “Mr. McLoughlin?” I nodded, “I’m here to take you to the hospital.  I don’t know how you did it, but you saved Mr. Fischbach's life.  His mother and friends will be arriving in a few hours, we’ve refused to allow them visitation until he’s seen you for longer than an hour.  You’re the only name he’s said the entire time he’s been awake.”  
I nodded my head shakily, and followed the man briskly into the car, and drummed my fingers against my knee whilst I watched the buildings go by in seemingly slow motion.  Finally we reached the stark white building and I sprinted inside, the officer right on my heels before he slipped ahead of me and lead the way.  Four floors up, three hallways over, I ran into Tyler and Ethan.  They hugged me tightly before I could even register who was hugging me, and then pushed me towards his door.  The officer opened said door, and I walked inside.

 

He was lying down, eyes closed.  His arms were wrapped tightly in bandages, and an IV sat in an open spot.  I walked up slowly, biting my lip.  The way he was breathing showed he was awake, so I said a soft, but strong, “Mark?”

His eyes opened instantly, and he was looking at me.  Within seconds, tears welled in his eyes, and his face scrunched up with horrible, heart throbbing sobs.  I was at his side in a second, hugging him tightly as he clung to me and just cried.  He cried, and cried, absolutely soaking the front of my shirt but I couldn’t find even a shred of caring in me.  All I cared about was making sure he heard my whispers of ‘I’m here, you’re here,  _ you’re alright _ .” and stroking his red hair.

I don’t know how long it took for him to calm down, but he slowly did.  He pulled back softly, now resting his head in the crook of my neck.  My back and abs burned from leaning over like this, and my legs slightly shook from the unnatural position I forced them in, but I still just didn’t care about that.

“Jack…?” Mark asked, his voice wrecked and broken.

“Yeah?” I responded, softly.  I ran my fingers through his hair again, rubbing his back with my other hand.

“I-I looked at my phone earlier…. A-A-After a n-nurse charged it….  Y-....” he faulted in his words, before a little laugh shook his shoulder.  “You called me  _ 367  _ times.  Y-You sent me  _ 129  _ texts.  What time did you stop trying?”

I stiffened slightly at the words, but forced myself to relax to reply, “I didn’t stop until I was forced to when I got on the plane.”

He laughed again, shaking his head slightly, “You really are the best thing that has ever happened to me.” He pulled away as he said these words, and looked at me with tear stained cheeks, but a large, loving smile.  I felt a buzz in my pocket, and pulled it out to find one of my alarms going off.  He let out a little chuckle, "You're supposed to be uploading right now." I let out a little chuckle of myself. 

"You wanna see something?" I asked.  He nodded in reply.  I turn my hand, letting him see the photo of Sam.  

"Is that the girl on your instagram!?" He exclaimed.  I nodded, smiling widely.  "Well, I owe her I guess." He said softly.

"What?  Why?"

"Because where I made you cry, she made you smile."

I felt my heart stop, "Mark, you've made me smile more times than I've ever come  _close_ to crying."

He stared at me for a long moment, before reaching up and running his fingers through my hair.  I felt my heart start again, beating fast, "You never cease to amazing me, Sean."

I felt my heart skip, but forced myself to ignore it as I smiled widely, “Well, then I guess it’s a good thing that you can deal with me, because I’m going to be living with you now!”

Mark flinched, his eyes widening “Wait, what!?”

I let out a little soft chuckle of my own, “On the way over, the Police Officer who drove me here explained that he wanted someone you trust to live with you for a while.  I’m been thinking about moving here for a while now, and I like the comfort of your little town, so I thought about moving here.  This just gives me more of a reason!  They said that they'll do all of the paperwork, I just have to go and get my Green Card.  They're setting up a few applications for me to choose a second job from until I can become a citizen.”

Mark stared at me for a moment longer, before laughing loudly.  He let himself fall against his pillow, still laughing as he puts his hand over his eyes.   I found myself laughing along with him.

Maybe, just  _ maybe _ , this will work better than I thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone want a sequel of like life with Jack and Mark? Because my friend is begging me, but I'm not sure if anyone would want to read it. Would y'all?


End file.
